For a majority of my life I have had a period. 20 years. 222 months (give or take at one / month). And every month, as the projected date grew closer, I would be sitting on tenterhooks. Waiting to see if the menstruating would begin and hoping it would. (Even when it was physically impossible to even be pregnant,) I was always surprised and relieved when it finally arrived.
Now is the opposite. I have been given a deadline on when we can naturally conceive on our own - it’s 6 months/menstruations. (I was also simultaneously told that I probably wasn’t ovulating every month either… cool, cool, cool, even less of a shot.) So here I sit holding my breath, trying not to let worry fill my ever waking thoughts. Trying not to get hopeful. Every twinge, every ‘’change’’ trying not to think too positively. Also trying not to fret too much and stay optimistic.* (Bathe in my fickle-y goodness.) Every toilet visit hoping to not see red.
Red = blue.
I want the next pregnancy test to be positive oh so badly. I really do. I have been thinking about trying for two years, putting it off as the timing just wasn’t right… and now here we are. Deadline set, by medical professionals, due to my advanced age. NOW. Let me just say, I do not feel in an advanced maternal age. (And in London, I felt like a normal to younger aged mum, uh thank you). I do not regret waiting until I hit my 30s, heck no. Because my children will come to me, in whatever way and when they come to me.
But gosh, it would be so swell if we could beat that Doctor’s deadline and have a successful pregnancy. ‘’Oh wouldn’t it, be loverly.”**
*My internal dialogue feels very much like Marisa Tomei’s character in ‘What Women Want’ as she confronts Mel Gibson.
**If you don’t have Marni Nixon’s melodic voice from ‘My Fair Lady’ chiming through your head right now, well, I just feel sorry for you.
I am tired.
We are three years+ into the Parenthood shenanigans, I thought that the sleep deprivation malarkey would have tapered off by now and yet here we are with a toddler sleep regression tomfoolery. (Is she even a toddler still at this age? I dunno!)
It hasn’t JUST reared it’s conniving little head, the (not so) wee one has been waking up in the night for a while, maybe over a year even, who can keep track on such little sleep? So tired.
It does seem to have gotten a smidge worse since our move to America. We have been here over 4 months now and she still isn’t sleeping through the night.
Is that normal?! Hell if I know, but gosh, have I mentioned I am tired.
Peaches wakes up at least 3 times a night and wants in our bed. (Well, at least we have separate bedrooms now, hey?) She is a selfish space hogging sleeper - kicks off the blankets, kicks us, lays horizontally, yells in her sleep, slams her head into yours and steals pillows.
After months and months of exhaustion fighting this regime, we have thrown in the towel and just let her stay. She evens calls it, Mommy-Daddy and her bed now. Groan, I just can’t even right now...
..this cannot go on forever, right? Since we cannot stand up to her, should we just wait it out? (And we might miss it when she does stop? I dunno.)
That ALL said, my obsession with having another child has not dampened even a trifle. Even a molecule. Or even a bit. I know the sleep deprivation will get worse, I do. I just like making life harder on myself I guess...
Inside I am thinking, “give me all the babies! I want the babies, give me the babies, I want the babies, give me the babies…”
You get the picture. Biological clocks are a treat.
From 2008 to 2010 I was an uninsured, recent graduate working three part time jobs. I was living paycheck to paycheck, no savings. (I did have car that was paid off and an adorable rented apartment off of the Plaza though.) Going without health insurance did not bother me as a twenty something - that is to say, until I needed it. (As with most thing in life.) Suddenly, I found myself in need of an emergency procedure with no out of pocket funds to pay for it. Before anyone in the medical profession would assist me I was forced to take out my first Credit Card to pay for the entire procedure up front. (Thankfully, I was approved, I guess.)
It took me a year to slowly pay that Credit Card off. (But yet again, leaving me with no savings.)
I was angry that opening up a credit card was my only option. That I was forced into it. All because I wasn’t able to get full time employment with benefits - and had aged out of my parent’s coverage. It was an awful feeling.
When I went to my first GP appointment in the UK, needing a physical for University - I was amazed. Any residing citizen was able to go in, receive assistance and leave without paying a pence! There was no billing department. There wasn’t a receptionist judging and rolling their eyes at you as you try to explain why you were uninsured. It was an amazing feeling.
As we planned our immigration to the US, the possibility of being uninsured was brought up.
I never wanted to be in that situation again, nor put my family through it. A feeling of helplessness when you are at your most vulnerable. Having to choose between food or medical care. By ignorance or optimism - we clouded ourselves around the thought that it would not happen to us. (Dummies.) We are both very capable and employable people - one of us was definitely going to get health insurance. No worries, right?
Well, one of us did find employment with benefits. The cost of insurance was beyond the salary I made, but we were signed up and promised an October start date for the insurance coverage. I had been getting ill the last few months, so it was important to me that I get in to be seen as soon as.
My employment started, contracts signed, and WHAM! “Sorry to inform you, your insurance begins in November”. A month difference, no biggie right? Well, as I was getting sicker and sicker, we had no money coming in - I had to put off seeing a doctor. Until I couldn’t.
$136 GP Appointment (That is with a 30% discount for being uninsured)
$175 Blood-work taken**
I had to decline a CAT Scan - as there is no way in affording that.
And here we are. Three months into our American adventure. Still uninsured. This time around, we do not have an option of opening a Credit Card.*
*Tip for anyone moving abroad - KEEP YOUR BANK ACCOUNT OPEN IN THE U.S. Inactivity within the US screws your credit score into the ground
**That is what they told me it would cost, later on I would receive a bill for $387 thus beginning a new adventure in negotiating between a doctor’s office and laboratory - fun shit.
Not an instructional blog but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so help me Mom.