The feelings have returned.
Baby fever. Cooing, awe-ing and feeling a need to hold every baby I see. The newness. The potential. The bundle of messy, sleep depriving, love. Biology and this crazy human nature of wanting to continue the brood.
Before the school closed for the holidays, a trio of staff members came up to our corridor to do some works. When I opened our door I squealed as my eyes were immediately drawn to the few month old child one of them held (his own, do not worry). Thankfully he let me hold the little booger. So tiny. Still new to the world. Oh who will that little person be?
Peaches was not cool with it. But this is not about her, and Mama needed her baby fix.
I feel like everyone is suddenly getting pregnant, having more babies, trying for children and my envy of that is well hidden.This is all normal lady problems, phases, or passing fancies. Hormones, am I right?!
“I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes. Babies are all around me, and so the feeling grows…”
Until last night when the shit felt very real.
We are sitting on the couch Christmas night, snuggled together watching the “Dr. Who” special feeling the warm glow of ( I AM SITTING AND WATCHING DOCTOR WHO WITH SOMEONE I MADE) being a family. Yet in this almost perfect moment I simultaneously felt a loss.
The missing of some future unknown as yet being.
When are they? Who are they?
I don’t know what the future holds. So I am just thinking about them for now.
Here we are in America. Sitting in my parent's office, on my mother's laptop tapping out (and editing) my internal monologue as Peaches snoozes away.
I have not been keeping DD up to date or ontime as most bloggers should. I could rattle off a lot of excuses but instead will go with the main one : I did not want to.
A lot has gone on inbetween post 23 and this - so it isn't for lack of subjects. I have just grown very tired of myself. It has all gotten a little too much and when things get on top of me I tend to draw into myself. Not getting out. Not talking to others. Not asking for help. I just stopped being me and went into Mum autopilot.
It is no way to be.
Luckily, my parents hopped the pond for a visit! My husband and I finally got to go out to dinner together. We got out and did things daily. I had people to constantly converse with. It has really boosted me out of my hole.
Now we are here in America. I am back in my comfort zone. And let me tell you folks - so much easier parenting from your comfort zone. You have help, you know the lay of the land, you know people who know people and all of this makes life so much easier. My goodness! I get it now - why everyone doesn't up sticks and decide to start a family abroad - because it is just easier!
I am hoping that this rejuvenates me as a mother, as, a friend, as a person and as a writer for our ultimate return to England.
I hope, I hope, I hope!
I was going to reword “Purple Haze” (by Jimi Hendrix) with a parody version called “Baby Brain” but realized that is very not necessary. So below I have only replaced the title with my own (hopefully it is accurate as I generically searched for said lyrics) :
“Baby all in my brain,
lately things don’t seem the same,
actin’ funny but I don’t know why
‘scuse me while I kiss the sky.
Baby Brain all around,
don’t know if I’m coming up or down.
Am I happy or in misery?
Whatever it is, that girl put a spell on me.
Oh no, oh
Yeah, Baby Brain all in my eyes,
don’t know if it’s day or night,
you’ve got me blowing, blowing my mind
is it tomorrow or just the end of time?
Help me, yeah, Baby Brain!”
Yes indeedy, that pretty much sums up what is going on over this way recently.
Welcome to the Adjust Bureau. Adjusting to a new life that no longer revolves around me or my partner. As well as this new guilt, the worst kind of guilt, mom guilt. Wowza, it packs an internal wallop. It is almost a super power in itself, but a horribly annoying one.
So. This is happening (she chicken peck types with one hand while holding her cranky child with the other).
Not an instructional blog but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so help me Mom.