Sometimes I have wonderful candy-coloured days. Sometimes I have horrible no good, very bad days. I have gathered a collection of thoughts during those bad days :
What am I doing with me life?
What am I contributing or planning on adding to the world?
What difference am I making?
Where am I going?
Who am I?
Why should anyone care?
(To be read in a Nicholas Cage or voice).
Besides building/looking after this this human being.
Because I really need a break from this. Not the 20 minute or hour kind of ''break'' I kindly receive from my husband here and there. But an entire child-free day's break. To use my brain in ways besides - did you poop? Don't touch/eat that! Are you sleepy/hungry? (And the thousands of worries associated from watching this little life start from scratch). To check in with myself and my overbearing, overly dramatic anxieties/self doubts.
But how? And where to go for this hypothetical break? We are down to a single income (which is a whole other wretched anxiety driven post) and don't have the extra cash for me to go off gallivanting for my singular needs. There is no one within walking distance to go visit / leave the child with. People living further out have offered to help but I don't feel like I can encroach on their offers. (They aren't family and therefore I am not entitled to their kindness, in my opinion).
Everything seems so much more difficult than it should be. Getting around, getting out the door, and now even just holding conversations. I have gone four days without leaving the apartment - because, there was no need to.
My life has been feeling very much ''Groundhog Day''-ish (as it did last year before child) these last several months. Same routines, same scenery, same trio cast, same conversations and the same complaints. Throwing in sprinkles of illness, dashes of anxiety and a pinch of loneliness for excitement.
And now I have so much guilt for the overuse of the word I/me/my.
Why do I feel so entitled to a so called ''break''?
I just want my mommy.
Not an instructional blog but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so help me Mom.