In life, I did not always know where I was going but I had an enormous amount of hope. Hope that I would get my act together. Hope that I would stumble into a career of my dreams. Hope that I would find someone who loves me and I love in return. Hope that everything would come together after immigrating to England. Hope that my story would eventually wind up “having it all”.
What is having it all?
A loving and stable relationship? Amazing sex life? Career you love? Financial stability? Home of your own? Regular explorations from travel? An adorable pet? Healthy, beautiful family? Feeling like a valuable part of your community? Having a close knit community of love surrounding you?
Basically an enviable Instagram Worthy kind of life?
I spend a lot of time scrolling through other parental blogs - looking for….. something. Anything to tell me, “hey you are doing okay” or more likely “here is a detailed step-by-step guide on how I have it all and you can too.”
Nothing has yet squelched this need I have. It is a very needy need.
I want the career that gives satisfaction.
I want the comradery of lovely work colleagues.
I want the time with my child before she starts school.
I want the time with my partner, away from child doing grown up stuff.
I want the time with our families, to watch our relatives grow and change.
I want the time with myself to be creative, think of things and act upon them.
I want to be the best mother, provider, friend, colleague, relative, pet owner, and human being I can possibly be.
And until I am all those things, this needy little drive inside of “do better, be stronger, work harder, plan more, try again, not good enough, more-more-MORE!”
Now I feel guilty for being a whingemaster 3000 and listing all those “I wants”.
So now I'm off to scour haircuts/clothes/items (for a serotonin boast) that inevitably I will never get (for guilt reasons, food before fancies).
Not an instructional blog but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so help me Mom.