This past week I took a day, well an afternoon, for myself. As I sat waiting for my lunch in the crowded Wagamama’s off Leicester Square, these are some of the my thoughts.
So nervous to just leave the house. M had to practically force me out. I need a push sometimes. I get into these isolated ruts - that the introvert in me sinks into a comfort its always known. Yet the extrovert screams and shakes inty - pushing me deeper into hermit’s shell.
I walk through London - an old friend. Mosey-ing the frequently taken paths. Watching this time. Observing the people around. Remembering how I used to rush and push through the crowd. My agendas, my purposes above others. Feeling exhausted but smug - “if others only knew. They’d be well jealous.” What a prick. An ambitious prick. It did me no good. To travel to that time, place a well meaning hand on her broad shoulders. “There’s more. Enjoy. And don’t let the egos grinds you. We’re all little babies. Be nice. Be proud".
Only moments ago and moments to go. On the train a little girl sang and I ached for your sticky, grabby clutches of those chubby arms. (Really? So soon?) Always I have put you at the center of my everything. So, how do I move ahead. I still don’t know what I want to be.
This was the first time I had gone into London by myself before Peaches came along. There was a lot of emotions that passed through me in a very short duration. But mostly, I felt lost. Lost time traveling to past moments, choices I made and ignored. Lost in the purposeful rush of the crowd. Lost with myself. This is what happens when you do not make regular time for oneself.
I’d like to tell you that I had a moment of clarity. Not really. I just ended up following random people and mimicking their style of walking.
Because I am a lost, lonely child, playing the role of a mother.
Not an instructional blog but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so help me Mom.