This is something I wrote several months ago but had never posted. In the current political climate it feels mighty frivolous.
It isn't and may resonate with someone else out there - hello, whomever you are!
I just sent off my letter of resignation, as I will not be returning once my Maternity Leave has finished.
Shit, shit, fuckity-shit, shit, shit, shit, shit-shit. Pardon my vulgarity but it is exactly what I am thinking. I kind of always had an unsettled inkling that this is what would end up happening - low salary, no free childcare. But it is now real. It is a official. There was no magic beans that suddenly made my income double (who really wants to underpay the people taking care of their offspring? Not this lady!).
I am a stay-at-home-mother.
My stomach feels like there are barfing butterflies and I have the dry sweats (the sensation of sweating, without physically sweating) thinking about it. For so long my life was about ''what will I become'' and after school that slightly altered to ''what will this lead to'' but now it is ''what do I do now?''.
Yes, I know, take care of my daughter - throw my focus to her. I don't want to sound like a shit or ungrateful but that just isn't enough for me. I need to use my brain for other things. I need to be able to think about something besides :
What do we have that she can eat, that is good for her, nurturing her body and her brain today?-What can we do that will entertain/educate/distract her today?-What do we need to cloth/feed/protect/educate her today?-How do I keep her from destroying herself through injury/illness when it seems that is what her daily goal is?-Why am I so tired? Am I a bad mother?-AM I OKAY?-IS SHE OKAY?-IS HUSBAND OKAY?-Is the WORLD okay?-Is the future okay?
So, that is my new goal. To find something that works with our circumstance because who knows what it could lead to.
Not an instructional blog but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so help me Mom.