Why do we feel we have to justify our parenting choices, decisions or child's activities to others?
On social media I feel this overwhelming drive to post about or stream photo after photo of every little thing happening. Good or bad, something inside screams ''share, share, share, I need to feel important'' - like anyone is THAT interested in me. Or that this overwhelming need my child has for every little thing from me, as the stay-at-home-parent, is not giving me an important enough role?
The justification continues with almost every person I meet. Anyone who communicates to us (verbally or non) throughout our daily lives. At the bus stop when someone says, ''oh, what a smiley little girl'' I immediately switch into explanation mode. Either stating that she's usually a dickhead at home or that I just fed her a snack. Why do I need to force my insecurities, she is generally just a happy kid, isn't that a good thing?
Hell, I do it to people I have not even met! As Peaches' is throwing a strop because I put her in the playpen I sing-song my actions to... who?
Our tapped land-line?
The pixies in our chimney?
That creepy pigeon who stares at me?
Who am I sing-talking ''mommy's just going to potty, no need to get all snotty.....''
Me. That's who. As much as I like to imagine my importance in the world that surrounds me - no one is standing outside my window with a pad of paper noting how often the baby cries or how quickly I am able to stop her from crying. No one is sarcastically complimenting my child to me.
I justify everything single thing out loud for myself. To reinforce the idea that I am doing okay and remind myself that I am doing my best. That the reason and method of which I am doing things is building a human being who will not end up a psychopath. Mumbling to their future psychiatrists ''I set cats on fire because my mother did not fill in the blank .''
Because I am so damn vulnerable. (The first step is admitting it, right?)
To the fellow new mother at the Tate Modern Café who complimented my daughter's ability to eat so well without teeth, what I meant to respond with is ''Thank you''.
I don't get out much.
Not an instructional blog but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so help me Mom.