For a majority of my life I have had a period. 20 years. 222 months (give or take at one / month). And every month, as the projected date grew closer, I would be sitting on tenterhooks. Waiting to see if the menstruating would begin and hoping it would. (Even when it was physically impossible to even be pregnant,) I was always surprised and relieved when it finally arrived.
Now is the opposite. I have been given a deadline on when we can naturally conceive on our own - it’s 6 months/menstruations. (I was also simultaneously told that I probably wasn’t ovulating every month either… cool, cool, cool, even less of a shot.) So here I sit holding my breath, trying not to let worry fill my ever waking thoughts. Trying not to get hopeful. Every twinge, every ‘’change’’ trying not to think too positively. Also trying not to fret too much and stay optimistic.* (Bathe in my fickle-y goodness.) Every toilet visit hoping to not see red.
Red = blue.
I want the next pregnancy test to be positive oh so badly. I really do. I have been thinking about trying for two years, putting it off as the timing just wasn’t right… and now here we are. Deadline set, by medical professionals, due to my advanced age. NOW. Let me just say, I do not feel in an advanced maternal age. (And in London, I felt like a normal to younger aged mum, uh thank you). I do not regret waiting until I hit my 30s, heck no. Because my children will come to me, in whatever way and when they come to me.
But gosh, it would be so swell if we could beat that Doctor’s deadline and have a successful pregnancy. ‘’Oh wouldn’t it, be loverly.”**
*My internal dialogue feels very much like Marisa Tomei’s character in ‘What Women Want’ as she confronts Mel Gibson.
**If you don’t have Marni Nixon’s melodic voice from ‘My Fair Lady’ chiming through your head right now, well, I just feel sorry for you.
Two 3 year olds Video Chatting
C : Why don’t you come over to my house?
P : I can't.
C : Why? Are you busy?
P : No, I’m in Africa.
Me : America.
P : I’m in America.
C : Have you seen the witches?
P : No.
C : They have green faces.
P : I’m a lion, ROOOOOOAR.
C : Would you like to come over to my house?
P : I can’t, I am far away.
C : Where are you?
P : I’m in Africa.
Me : America.
P : America, it is far away. I’m a lion!
C : Oh. Have you talked to the witches?
P : They are good witches. I am a lion!
C : You don’t have balloons in America. I have this balloon.
P : Mickey Mouse balloon!
Me : Minnie Mouse.
P : A Minnie Mouse balloon! Look, mom.
C : You should come to my house for a visit.
P : I want to visit England.
Me : You need to save up your money.
C : You don’t have sandwiches in America. I have nice sandwiches here.
P : I like sandwiches. I save my money and come visit you.
C : You don’t have big TVs in America.
P : We have a big TV. It's big!
C : Oh! I would like to visit you in America.
Captain Buzzkill Mom, hey? Oh man. How I hate trying to explain distance to these girls. Oh how I dislike that distance too. These girlies saw each other almost daily for a year, only being a few months apart, they became bezzies quickly.
Don’t I wish making that kind loyal and intense of a friendship as theirs SO easily.
But I can’t. Not friendships. Acquaintance-ships, yes. Friendly terms - yes, of course. Adult besties, no. Not easy for me. I am set in my ways, and with my anxiety I become hyper-focused on getting EVERYTHING DONE NOW (or else) which makes me very wound up in my own little world. I can be a bit intense with my love but also can become annoyed easily (by drama, selfishness, politics) and have too many memories of broken friendship hearts. I just don’t trust others as easily as I used to - like kids do.
Two kids see one another anywhere in the world, and somehow there is an unspoken trust : ‘’I am a kid, you are a kid - we shall play together” as if it is law written by some unseen judicial hand.
Me now, someone is nice to me and I think ‘’what do you want’’ or ‘’what are you selling”.
That’s an icky feeling. Is it all anxiety related? Possibly! Is the current political climate also involved? Probably. Do I have time to sit down and think about it more than I already have? No. What I am really trying to say is - GOSH. I do miss our buddies in England. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! We all really, really, really, really, really, REALLY miss you. All of you.
And am I thinking of replacing you? NEVER. Not possible.
But I have hope, that I will be able to forge new friendships, different friendships, in the years to come. Until then - Siblings and Cousins, you are going to carry the brunt of my friendship and love. I am coming for you! So much love, it is happening, let’s hang!
Right after a nap.
Hi Christmas, Bye Christmas - whoosh.
Christmas has already passed and 2019 is just around the corner. You might label me as old but, "wow, where has the time gone"?!
I guess I have just forgotten how quickly the time goes after Thanksgiving. This year we got to celebrate our first proper full on, large family, holiday season(s). It was beautiful. In the past we only got increments of family time bursts spread out a few times a year. Here, family is a full time commitment and we all love it.
Most of the time, LOLs.
We tried to tie in our usual holiday traditions, but with so many things merging many things did not make the cut this year. Sorry : Christmas crackers, watching ''It's A Wonderful Life", mulled wine, picture with Father Christmas, caroling, mass Christmas service, chocolate advent calendar, Grandpa beating up Santa, panattone, Christmas pudding, and watching "Love Actually".
After all the excitement we needed a rest. Thankfully the husband did not have to work on Boxing Day! So yesterday we got to have a wind down day, just the three of us, where we did absolutely f*ck all. It was great!
It's a new world for the Imries!
Not an instructional blog but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so help me Mom.