What do I contribute to this society?
But. It is something I ask myself every so often but seems to come up more and more recently. Is it the gray haze of wintery blues making me go through mini self assessments or normal as a thirty something year old?
But the sunless days spent inside our room (remember we live in a studio flat) seemingly doing the same activities over and over cannot help. Is the way I have the television on as, background noise to me, going to alter my daughter’s brain?
But I try to balance it out with reading, physical activites and crafts as much as possible while remaining sane. Is there more I could be doing?
Yes. No. Maybe. I dunno.
But notice how my focus always goes to the kid(s). Continuously. When I go to bed, I am more often than not thinking and worrying about the children over myself. And that is how it should be.
That is being a parent.
And I am cool with that. Am I though?
^^^I am trying to write this while preventing Peaches from breaking or strangling herself my pair of headphones/climbing on me bumping my typing hands/yelling sheep while jumping on the couch next to me as Cbeebies blares in the background.^^^
That time of year again where everyone is making their “life changing” resolutions AND HERE IS ANOTHER ONE. Well, sort of. Change is a process not a flash solution. Innit. Isn’t it? Probably.
To recap my resolution of 2017 :
“to just keep doing the best I can. I am not super mom. But I have this super awesome kid. And although I yearn for the yesteryear where my rose tinted memories suggest I had no worries or responsibilities - this is where I am at.”
Pfffft, Nailed it! Hahaha. For reals though, I did begin finally asking for help in 2017 - whether it be 5 minutes to myself, or a date night with the husband. Only took two years, but I am stubborn. So I will continue to work on asking and receiving help regularly in the years to come.
For my 2018 resolution, I hope to work on my patience and to better handle situations with those who test it. I have not quite worked out as to how I will go about doing this, but I figure it will come to me - as and when needed. I hope!
Living with a toddler and alongside 6 teenagers (not to mention being inside a school and regularly interacting with hundreds of students) could test Ghandi’s patience. Some have called me quick witted - the same fast response I occasionally use when frustrated. It does not make the situation better, as a joke would, but leaves everyone a little taken aback.
So that is what I hope to work on this year. More patience for my daughter, more patience for my boarding sons, more patience for my family and more patience to everyone. As we are all trying our best, and sometimes things get on top of us. Breathe first, respond second. Otherwise emotions leap forward with a wollop.
The feelings have returned.
Baby fever. Cooing, awe-ing and feeling a need to hold every baby I see. The newness. The potential. The bundle of messy, sleep depriving, love. Biology and this crazy human nature of wanting to continue the brood.
Before the school closed for the holidays, a trio of staff members came up to our corridor to do some works. When I opened our door I squealed as my eyes were immediately drawn to the few month old child one of them held (his own, do not worry). Thankfully he let me hold the little booger. So tiny. Still new to the world. Oh who will that little person be?
Peaches was not cool with it. But this is not about her, and Mama needed her baby fix.
I feel like everyone is suddenly getting pregnant, having more babies, trying for children and my envy of that is well hidden.This is all normal lady problems, phases, or passing fancies. Hormones, am I right?!
“I feel it in my fingers. I feel it in my toes. Babies are all around me, and so the feeling grows…”
Until last night when the shit felt very real.
We are sitting on the couch Christmas night, snuggled together watching the “Dr. Who” special feeling the warm glow of ( I AM SITTING AND WATCHING DOCTOR WHO WITH SOMEONE I MADE) being a family. Yet in this almost perfect moment I simultaneously felt a loss.
The missing of some future unknown as yet being.
When are they? Who are they?
I don’t know what the future holds. So I am just thinking about them for now.
Not an instructional blog but the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth - so help me Mom.